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Challenges as a Marriage Ends (Part 2)
Tim and Dana Nolan Today With Daniel, Sam, Micah, Sarah, &
Hannah
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I've known Dana Nolan
for several years. She and her husband were stationed at Shaw Air Force Base, here in Sumter, SC and worshipped
with us when she was pregnant with her first child. In fact, when her mother was unable to be here for
the birth, I was pleased to be with Dana during her labor, holding her hand and cheering her onward. Dana is
a capable and compassionate writer and has agreed to write a series of articles about life after divorce.
Much has been written about what Scriptures say with regard to divorce. Several of our readers have asked
for help with the emotional issues for the wife and children. We recognize that in some cases, it is the husband
and children who have to live with the emotional consequences, and we welcome letters or comments from some
of our brothers in Christ on this topic. Cindy
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Putting First
Things First in Spiritual Things
By
Dana Nolan
The most important aspect of our lives here on earth is guarding our spirits
until the day that Christ returns to judge the living and the dead! So it follows that the first thing we need
to do as the dust settles from a divorce is take stock of our spiritual lives and see if we are where we need to be!
Marital problems can weaken us spiritually, as they snatch our attention away from spiritual things while we deal with some
very tough, emotionally-draining issues! If we have children, we now find ourselves in the role of spiritual leader
of the family. While these can be big shoes to fill, we can know that God is holding our hands every step of the
way!
Let
your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such
things as you have. For He Himself has said, I will never leave you nor forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5)
Spiritually,
this is a time to lean on your brethren and let them help you bear your load. In some churches, this is easier
than in others. Some groups are just more caring and nurturing. If you are a lady, try to find an older lady to
look to for comfort, advice, and encouragement. Perhaps you already know a lady who fits this description! Or, it may be that
you have to seek out a new friendship with a dear Christian lady that you have not known so well until now. I was fortunate
to make a new friend who was having her own health crisis. This Christian came alone to services (her husband is not
a Christian), and she was very quiet. As I visited her home to check on her often, we grew closer and closer. Today,
I call her my Other Mother! We helped each other through some scary times!
I would lovingly caution you to avoid the trap of getting
too close to a member of the opposite sex while you may be vulnerable and lonely. There may be men who approach you and offer
"counsel." You must be very wise and prudent in dealing with such offers. My advice would be to always have another
lady present if you meet with a man for spiritual counseling. Elders most always have their wives accompany them to visit
or counsel with a female member. Preachers would do well to also have their wives be present if a female member needs to talk
to him. We can see God's wisdom in having elders and deacons be married, for their responsibilities often have them
dealing with women.
"...Treat younger men as brothers older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity." (I Timothy 5:1)
It
is very tempting to jump quickly into other relationships to fill the void that a divorce creates. If you have put away your
mate for adultery, you certainly have the right to seek and find another person who also is free to marry. I would urge you
to go slowly and prayerfully as you explore the possibility of dating again. In my humble opinion, this time just after a
divorce is better used if you focus on your spiritual life first. Perhaps other relationships will come in time,
and that can once again be a happy and exciting time, if you have dealt with your emotions and have your "house"
in order! If you do enter into another marriage some day, you will want it to be with someone who is spiritually strong,
and right now, you need to focus on getting yourself in the best spiritual shape possible so that you are able to be the best
help-meet you can be!
And
the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18
If you do not have a particularly sensitive, caring group of saints where you worship, (and sadly, this happens sometimes)
remember that you always have God. He will never leave you or forsake you! God never promised us that we
would all have local churches free of problems and perfect in love one towards another. Remember the church at Corinth in the first century? Some churches are wonderful, and
others need to greatly improve in love exhibited among brethren. You may notice that people just seem to look at you
differently, though you did nothing wrong in your marriage and subsequent divorce. It can be quite disappointing when
people seem to purposely avoid you. It may bring you to tears when the dinner invitations stop coming because people
are uncomfortable knowing what to say to you. Some people will feel terrible for you, but they are unable to form sentences
that tell you what is in their heart. They simply do not know what to say. Others will be so loving
and supportive, especially those who have weathered trials in their own lives. Try not to be too judgmental of your
brethren. Remember that we all have talents in different areas, and even being an encourager is difficult for some
people. This is a great time to reach out to someone in your congregation who is quiet and often overlooked. You
can possibly make a new friend and encourage someone else in the process. Use this time to build yourself
up through reading and studying the scriptures with a zeal that you have never had before! Learn to be at peace in solitude,
enjoying stillness and quiet! Resolve that you are going to dig in there and become a better Bible student
and encourager yourself! Find service projects to do for others. If you have kids, get them involved, too! If
no one in the congregation needs help, find someone in the community who does. When you get outside yourself and
help someone else, your problems no longer seem so daunting. Remember, it does not mean that your circumstances are not important
or unique or noteworthy if people don't seem to "get it" when you are suffering emotionally! However, it does not
do us any good to lie around and wallow in self-pity. It's quite tempting to do so, but it is self-destructive. Turn your
anger and hurt into positive energy by finding good work to do. Love always trumps hatred and evil and good ultimately prevails!
We
have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying,
let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving,
let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it
is encouraging, let him encourage; if
it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let
him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.
(Romans 12:6-9)
When
I divorced, I knew that I had a steep road ahead of me, and at first, I was not sure how to proceed. My emotions
were raw. I cried a lot. Yet, I knew that I had to be strong for three little boys who could not understand
anything except the fact that Daddy was not going to be living with us anymore. My body went on auto-pilot! Every night, the boys
and I would crawl into my bed and read the Bible and sing until they got sleepy. Sometimes we read the same passages over
and over, because they were of great encouragement and comfort. We held on to each other very tightly in the first
days of being alone. They needed this time to talk openly about their feelings. It is much better to
let them vent and not discourage them from talking about what is on their little hearts. They are hurting, too,
and they need to be heard.
I knew that I had to get a plan together for how to proceed with my life. Traumatic events like this make you
look deep and make hard choices. My parents had always set a good example for me in church attendance. One thing
I decided up front was that, no matter what, I needed God more now than ever, and my kids did, too. We needed the
encouragement that came from assembling with the saints. I resolved that I would be at every service of the church
with my kids, if at all possible. I had some people in my life that were actually discouragers in this area. I
had to shut my ears to their bad advice and do what I knew to be right. There were going to be days when I had a terrible
headache or was bone-tired, but I promised myself that I would be there unless we were just deathly ill. God needs
to be first in our lives, in the good days and in the bad ones. When we keep our priorities straight, everything
may not be perfect, but life is better overall! I truly believe that God blesses you as well as you seek to serve him.
May the God of hope fill
you with all Joy
and peace as you trust in him, so that you
may overflow with hope by
the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)
It is easy when we are suddenly alone, doing the work of two parents, to be tempted
to just sleep in on Sunday morning, or miss that Wednesday night service because we are just too tired after a long day. We
have to fight these temptations. Discouragement is one of the greatest tools of the devil. If he can keep
you from being spiritually rejuvenated by making you miss the services that will “pump you up,” he has won! I
would encourage you, dear one, to just not give yourself the option of missing. Make a rule that if someone in
your household doesn’t have a fever, a vomiting virus, or an un-set broken bone (or some similarly serious situation,)
you are going to be in the assembly! It will be challenging, but you can do it one day at a time, with God’s
help. On my darkest days, I would tell myself that if Jesus could carry that cross for me as bad as he felt, I could drag
out of bed when I might be a little tired or have a little headache and be there to remember Him on the Lord's Day!
And let us consider one
another in order to stir up love and good works, not forsakingthe assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting
one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching. (Hebrews 10:24-25)
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Daniel, Samuel & Micah at the time of my divorce One
of the jobs my ex-husband had when he lived with us was to help dress the kids for services. Suddenly, I had four
people, including myself, to dress for every service. Some of my kids were at the age where they wanted to pick
out their own clothes, and their choices were hideous. Screaming, crying fits are just what you do not need before church
to make you late and put you in a bad frame of mind before worship. So we started choosing outfits a night ahead
of time. I would put two outfits out and let each child pick one of the two. If a boy balked as I dressed
him, I reminded him that he chose the outfit. He would then remember this and happily continue dressing. This worked
for school clothes, too. Pre-planning and routine became a way of life for us. We had a set time each
week to do Bible lessons. We did them as a family, and we did not move on to other things until those lessons were
done. My kids learned that Bible lessons came before school lessons. While school is important, it is
not as important as a child’s spiritual education. What does it profit a man if he gain the whole world
and lose his own soul? (Matthew 16:26) If your child grows up to be the world’s best doctor or lawyer,
and yet he loses his soul, what has he gained? Make training the children in spiritual things a huge priority! You
will never regret the time spent learning the Word of God with your kids!
In
a matter of a few weeks, we were functional at always getting to services on time. I knew when we had to leave the house to
arrive on time for church, and I regularly announced during the dressing process how much time we had until we walked out
the door. To facilitate leaving in a timely, orderly fashion, I had each boy’s Bible in a canvas bag, decorated
just for him and filled with pencils, pens, and a spiral notebook. Each child was responsible for bringing his bag to the
car and then bringing it in the house again later. As the kids grew, they sat with the other kids on the front
rows at services and took notes of the sermon. They are in their early 20’s now, and this is a habit they
have continued through the years.
I was
glad when they said unto me, Let us go into the
house of the LORD. (Psalm 122:1)
Sixteen
years have passed since my divorce! Did any of this make a difference? Did the sacrifices pay off? I believe
with all my heart that they did. All three of my boys obeyed the gospel and remain faithful so far! We studied
our way through the entire Bible twice at the church they attended in the early years. All those nights of doing Bible
lessons together helped to root the Word deep in their hearts. They have a good command of scripture now. They
all preach from time to time where we worship now, and my oldest just recently taught the book of Hebrews to the adult class
for his first time! All three adore singing and serve in the song-leading rotation! And, as an aside, my oldest is on track
to have his Masters in Social Work at age 24! Doing all those Bible lessons did not hurt his secular education one bit!
Believe me when I say that if I can do something,
anyone can do it, because I don't have any special skills or talents that enabled me to be a better parent than you can be!
With devotion and persistence and consistency and God's help, you can raise kids who will respect the word of God and desire
to live as Christians all their days! Take everything one day at a time and keep praying always for help, strength, and guidance
And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD and great shall be
the peace of thy children. (Isaiah
54:13)
You will have many challenges ahead of you after a divorce. By putting
first things first, you will set a good foundation upon which you can build a new life. You will set a good example
for children who are looking to you for stability and guidance. You will have access to the peace that passes understanding
(Philippians 4:7), and most importantly, you will please the Lord. If spiritual things
are right in your life, you will then be equipped to deal with other areas of life that are going to require your attention.
Therefore
whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I
will liken him unto a wise man which built his house upon a rock: And
the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock.
(Matthew 7:24-25)
Single Mom with Micah (1997)
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Readers Responses to our Coping
With Divorce Query
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Reader # 1
I am
an adult that grew up in a home that this type of divorce happened. I was 13-14 when I found out why my parents were
having difficulties, besides the obvious issue of my father drinking alcohol as well. I am apt to listen, comfort, and give you
a point of view from the child's angle, as well as a wife, as my mom had talked with me many times about her feelings, and
I saw that she never truly recovered due to the fact she never turned any of it over to The Lord. My mother would go through depressive
states of mind, cry a lot, and wonder if she was doing the right thing. She had visited a preacher form a denomination
that we were a part of. It gave her little consolation, except that he did tell her, that this type of divorce was accepted
by God. We regularly attended this group of church goers, and mom had made some friends. However, she would not dare to date,
and had put her children first in everything in her life. She worked long hours to make enough money for living expenses.
Dad was not forthcoming in providing regular child support, or visiting us. I was 16 when I had become a Christian, by being baptized for the remission
of my sins. I changed where I went to services. This added to my mother's difficulties, and put a huge strain
on our relationship with one another. However, I stuck it out, I knew God would take care of me, and our family.
I tried hard to have my siblings and mother see why I was doing what I did. God comforted me, and sustained me through
all of those years, and continues to do so. I would be glad to help anyone, in anyway, by just being there for you, and encouraging
you to stay with the Truth, do what you know is right, and the hardest of all, forgive, so your children can understand what
forgiveness is. It’s not simple, but necessary. Things have turned out ok in the worldly sense for my siblings
and mother, but they have turned out spiritually strong for my husband, children and I, due to lots of hard work and learning
to understand several things; which were difficult, until we knew why. Thank God, He led us to the best people, sisters and brothers in Christ that were our
elders in the respect of age; that could guide us through the bumpy roads.
Reader # 2
My husband fell in love with another woman earlier this year and in spite of everything I could do, he would not give
her up and I had no choice but to divorce him. I love him, and bore his children. How could he dismiss all
these years of our life together? I FEEL like there has been a death in my family. I've never felt so alone
and unsure of myself.
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Reader # 3
I'm a man of divorce & it hurts us just as bad. a woman can beat you
down, make you feel like your nothing. The Lord can help both of us to cope with loosing a spouse & in my case, children.
Both men & women should learn to deal with the problem of divorce & coping with the short falling of the other.
If there are problems, support the other & try to help them through WHATEVER that might be. You both
make a marriage & you both make or break a family.
A note from Cindy: Thank you for writing. You are right in all that you wrote.
In many cases the man is the victim. A woman can discourage her husband and destroy a marriage.
We understand and appreciate that Christian men are also reading Our Hope. While we sometimes use
articles written by men, our editor and regular writers are women and we try to be very careful to avoid putting ourselves
in an unscriptural position of teaching over a man (1 Tim. 2:12). I feel sure all our readers will understand that.. The Lord certainly warns about women who
are destructive to their husbands and to their marriages. Gen. 3 ~ From the very beginning, Eve tempted Adam
to sin Prov.
12:4 ~ A virtuous wife is a crown to her husband, but one who causes him shame is as rottenness in his
bones. Prov.
14:1 ~ A wise woman builds her house, but a foolish woman destroys it with her own hands. Prov. 19:13 ~ The nagging of a contentious wife are
like a continually dripping faucet. Prov. 21:9 ~ It’s better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious
and angry woman
God's word
gives many illustrations and examples of women who drove their men to distraction and to sin. Remember Jezebel?
She was a wicked woman who nagged her husband with the taunt, "Doest thou now govern the kingdom of Israel?"
(1 Kings 21:7). Today women might deride their husbands similarly by asking, “Are you a man or a mouse?”
And
Delilah? Because Samson would not give in to her wishes, she harranged him every day, saying,
"How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me," (Judges 16:15) until “his soul was
vexed unto death."
Indeed, husbands suffer at the hands of wicked
or foolish wives. A wife who
leaves her husband and her family cause a lot of sorrow for the husband and for their children. As we begin a series of articles for the wives whose husbands
have been unfaithful, and divorce was necessary (and sometimes even divorced by their mates), God is able to provide guidance
from His word, and comfort as well. And we, as Christians are able to comfort and help those who are hurting. cg
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Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. (Romans 12:15) * * * Bear ye
one another's burdens, and so
fulfil the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2)
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